So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
me + whiskey = a bad person
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
