I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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