Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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