I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
