this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
