Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
