the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
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