Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
