She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
