Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
me + whiskey = a bad person
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
