I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
