Swine flu. Run for my life!
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Your penis caused this!
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