I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
