Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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