i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
