i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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