DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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