don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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