And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
my liver is dry heaving
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
