There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
