Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
