she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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