Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
