cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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