I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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