What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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