Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Randomize
