he told me I talked like a deaf person
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
