I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
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