oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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