Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
