i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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