I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
