miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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