Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
