How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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