He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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