I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
