Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
