nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
