I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Randomize