My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
