Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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