Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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