If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
