I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
