I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
