and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
