Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
