So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
