On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
