My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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