I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
