The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
