just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
