Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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